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Christian Funny Quotes Biography
Funny Quotes for Christians

These funny quotes for Christians prove that God certainly has a sense of humor!

God wants us to be happy and to make a joyful noise unto Him (what's more joyful than a good belly laugh?).

Laughing every day helps us stay healthy, light-hearted, and alert. We feel more alive, and we're better able to communicate with others when we're in a good mood.

Please help us continue to provide important (and sometimes funny!) Christian quotes to folks all over the world by visiting our sponsors below.

God shows us humor in many things as these funny quotations reflect. Try not to be too judgemental. And remember, God can use anyone, anytime for His overall purpose.

Funny Quotes

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. " ~ Mark Twain

"You must believe in God in spite of what the clergy say." ~ Benjamin Jowett

"Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand."
~ Mark Twain



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"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."
~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

"I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces."
~ Mark Twain



More Funny Christian Quotes...

"Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. " ~ Garrison Keillor

"Like a good chess player, Satan is always trying to manuever you into a position where you can save your castle only by losing your bishop."
~ C.S. Lewis

"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
~ Ronald Reagan

"Death stung himself to death when he stung Christ."
~ William Romaine


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"People in general are equally horrified at hearing the Christian religion doubted, and at seeing it practiced." ~ Samuel Butler

"In the Lord's Prayer, the first petition is for daily bread. No one can worship God or love his neighbor on an empty stomach."
~ Woodrow Wilson

"The trouble with some of us is that we have been inoculated with small doses of Christianity which keep us from catching the real thing."
~ Leslie Weatherhead

Stay tuned for more funny quotes for Christians...

BIBLE = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
One whale talking to another:
Whale 1: Upset Stomach?
Whale 2: Nah, Jonah's renovating again.
God put me on earth to accompish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will never die.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
Don't knock procrastination. It saves lots of useful work.
Who says worry doesn't help. All those things I worry about don't happen.
Love your enemies. They'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Blessed are the quilters for they are known as piecemakers.
From Charlie Osborn, A Catholic Evangelist:
- God loves you.
-- How do you know?
- Because He loves me.
-- Yeah, I guess if He loves you, He can love anybody.
At a seminar, students entering the room for lunch found a sign on the buffet table that said, 'Take only one apple. God is watching you.'
At the other end of the table was a large tray of chocolate cookies with a hastily scribbled sign which read: 'Take as many cookies as you want. God is back there watching the apples!'

Calvin: You know, I don't think math is a science, I think it's a religion.
Hobbes: A religion?

Calvin: Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. [Pointing at his math book] This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion!

Hobbes: And in the public schools no less. Call a lawyer.

Calvin: [Looking at his homework] As a math athiest, I should be excused from this.

Remember, God has not gone on vacation and left you in charge.
Give your troubles to God. He'll be up all night anyhow.
When you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Lucy to Charlie Brown: Sooner or later, Charlie Brown, there's one thing you're going to have to learn. You reap what you sow. You get out of life exactly what you put into it, no more, no less.
Charlie Brown: I'd like to see a little more margin for error.
Sign outside a church: Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
North Pole Grammar: Santa's helpers could otherwise be known as subordinate clauses.
Why is the letter T like Easter?
Because they both come at the end of Lent.
Why did Jesus appear first to a woman after His Resurrection?
To make sure the Good News would be spread sooner.
1996 Day of Prayer (May 2) Motto:
Life's hard; pray harder!
What's the difference between a liturgist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive, anyhow.
Gambling

The lottery is a tax on the mathematically disadvantaged.
The one guaranteed way to win the lottery:
Don't play.
The money the state takes in from other people's playing, lowers your tax bill.
Syntax is the money that has by the church from sinners
The Bible According to Golfers, Fishermen and Other of God's Creatures

A Golfer's Psalm 23: Make my ball to lie down in green pastures, not in still waters.
A Fisherman's Psalm 23: My rod and my reel, they comfort me.
The dog's response to Jesus: Many are chosen, but few come when you call them.
Creation from a cat's point of view: And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts... except, of course, for cats.
The Second Coming Jesus said: I am coming soon.
God's soon and our soon are not the same soon.
The Lord is coming soon... Look busy.
Penny Pinching People

When it comes to giving, he'll stop at nothing.
The two assistants were discussing their pastor's thrifty ways. And they agreed that if the pastor, when he dies, sees a light at the end of the tunnel, he'll turn it off.
How Many Books are in the Bible?

OLD TESTAMENT:
How many letters are in the word OLD? 3
How many letters are in the word TESTAMENT? 9
There are 39 books in the Old Testament.
NEW TESTAMENT:
How many letters are in the word NEW? 3
How many letters are in the word TESTAMENT? 9
Multiply 3 by 9 to get 27.
There are 27 books in the New Testament.

Note: This mnemonic works for the Protestant version of the Old Testament. The Catholic version has 7 books, Tobit, Judith, 1 and 2 Maccabees, Wisdom, Ecclesiasticus, and Baruch, that are missing from the Protestant version.

We love Bells in Church!

Hemingway: Ask not for whom the tolls.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Palindromes

A palindrome is a word or sentence that is spelled the same forwards and backwards.
What did Adam name his newly created wife: Eve.

And when he first saw his newly created wife, what did he say to her? "Madam, I'm Adam."